Teaching Kids Responsibility in Problem-Solving: Insights from the book “Raising Mentally Strong Kids”

Raising children is one of the most rewarding yet challenging roles we can have. As parents, we constantly strive to equip our kids with the skills they need to navigate life. Many parents ask how to teach kids problem solving skills to help them develop critical thinking and resilience for the future. One of the most vital foundations we can provide is the ability to solve problems independently. Dr. Daniel G. Amen and Dr. Charles Faye offer valuable insights into this topic in their book, Raising Mentally Strong Kids. The authors discuss how we can teach our children responsibility in problem-solving—drawing parallels to the classic experience of learning to ride a bike.

The Goal: Building Emotional Resilience

Teaching problem-solving is about more than just finding answers; it’s about fostering emotional resilience. When children learn to tackle challenges head-on, they develop “self-efficacy”- the internal belief that they are capable of handling what life throws at them. 

It is natural to want to protect our children from disappointment.  However, by gradually exposing them to age-appropriate challenges, we provide a form of protection that lasts a lifetime. We aren’t leaving them to fend for themselves; we are acting as a supportive guide, building a bond based on trust and mutual respect.

The Bike Ride Analogy: Knowing When to Let Go

Think back to the first time you learned to ride a bike.  In the beginning, a parent holds the back of the seat to keep you steady.  It feels safe, but eventually, they must let go. That moment of letting go is scary, but it is the only way to learn balance.

Just as we wouldn’t expect a child to ride a bike without practice, we can’t expect them to handle life’s hurdles without guidance. Understanding how to teach kids problem solving skills is much like being the hand on the back of the seat—providing enough support to keep them steady, but eventually letting go so they can find their own balance.

The same principle applies to life’s daily challenges. If we never let go of the “seat,”  our children never learn to navigate the bumps in the road. To encourage kids to think critically, as questions like “What do you think could be a solution?”.

How to Transition from ”Doing For”  to “ Doing With”

As you guide your child through challenges, use these steps inspired by the bike-riding process:

• Create a “Low-States” Practice Zone: Start with small issues.  If your child struggles to keep their school supplies organized, don’t do it for them. Instead, brainstorm three different systems together and let them choose which one to try. 
• Shift Your Role: As your child gains confidence, move from “doing for” them to “doing with” them.
• Ask, Don’t Tell: Instead of giving the answer, ask guiding questions:
  • “What do you think a possible solution could be?”
  • “How would you like to approach this?”
• Expect a Few Scrapes: Just as learning to ride involves a few falls, problem-solving involves setbacks. When they fail, provide emotional support. Help them see that mistakes are simply part of the “data” they need to learn. 

The Long- Term Reward

By making problem-solving a normal part of your family’s daily life, you are helping your child cultivate a growth mindset. They will learn that they don’t have to be perfect- they just have to be persistent. This confidence will serve them well into adulthood, long after they’ve mastered that first bike ride.

Building Mental Toughness in Children

Allowing children to encounter and navigate challenges independently is essential for developing what Dr. Amen and Dr. Fay refer to as “mental toughness.” When kids tackle problems by themselves, they aren’t just finding an answer; they are learning deep lessons about resilience and resourcefulness. They discover personal techniques for overcoming obstacles and gain authentic confidence in their own capabilities. This mental strength is a crucial internal “muscle” that must be exercised now so it can handle the increasingly complex challenges they will face later in life.

By facing difficulties, making mistakes, and eventually finding solutions, children do more than enhance their problem-solving abilities—they build their self-esteem. They learn that it is perfectly normal to struggle and that perseverance, rather than “perfection,” is what leads to success.

Practical Ways to Foster Toughness

As parents, we can foster this mental toughness by creating a supportive environment that encourages healthy risk-taking. Here are a few ways to normalize the struggle:

• Host “Challenge Days”: Set up times where the whole family takes on a new task together, such as a complex puzzle, a difficult hike, or a DIY project. This shared experience shows children that everyone faces obstacles and that working through them can even be a bonding experience.
• Model “Visible Resilience”: Be transparent about your own life. Share stories of times you faced a hurdle at work or in a hobby and explain how you moved past it. This shows children that even adults have to work hard to solve problems.
• Focus on the Process: One of the most effective strategies is encouraging a growth mindset. Praise their efforts and strategies rather than just the final result

Try this shift: Instead of saying, “You’re so smart!” when they finish a task, try saying, “I’m impressed by how you kept trying different approaches until you found one that worked.”

As your children develop this toughness, you will likely notice a shift in their behavior: they may become more willing to try new things, less easily discouraged by setbacks, and more confident in their general ability to handle life’s “ups and downs.”

The Concept of “Tough Love”

Sometimes, helping a child grow requires a little bit of “tough love.” It is important to define this carefully: it does not mean being harsh, cold, or uncaring. Rather, it is a profound way of showing your children that you trust them to handle situations on their own. It is the delicate balance between offering a safety net and allowing your child the space to grow independently.

This approach is the cornerstone of teaching responsibility. Children learn that they have an active role in finding solutions and that their actions -or inactions- have real-world consequences. When we use this strategy, we are discovering how to teach kids problem solving skills in a way that sticks.

Putting Tough Love Into Practice

Practicing tough love is often harder for the parent than the child. Our instinct is to protect them from any form of discomfort. However,consider a common scenario: the forgotten homework.

If your child leaves their assignment on the kitchen table, the “protective” instinct is to rush to the school to deliver it. Tough love, however, might mean letting them experience the natural consequence of their forgetfulness at school.

Since tough love is about trust, it often applies to social situations. Let’s take a look at a second scenario. Consider a scenario where your child has a disagreement with a friend or feels they were treated unfairly by a coach.

The “protective” instinct is to call the other parent or the coach to “fix” the situation. A “tough love” approach, however, involves staying on the sidelines. You might say: “I can see you’re really upset about what happened at practice. What are some ways you could talk to your coach about this yourself?” By resisting the urge to intervene, you show your child that you believe they are capable of advocating for themselves. You provide the “safety net” by role-playing the conversation at home first, but the child performs the action. 

This process involves three vital steps:

1. The Consequence: Letting the natural result of the mistake happen.
2. The Discussion: Afterward,  calmly helping them brainstorm ways to remember their bag in the future (e.g., “ Where could we put your bag so you can see it before you walk out the door?”).
3. The Support: Offering emotional validation so they know you are on their team, even if you didn’t “save” them from the mistake.

Boundaries and Warmth

Tough love also involves setting clear boundaries and expectations. When children understand the “why” behind the rules, they feel more secure. This structure provides a foundation of safety, even as they are encouraged to venture out and solve problems on their own.

Most importantly, tough love must always be balanced with warmth and affection. Your child should never doubt your love, even when you are stepping back to let them face a challenge. Make sure to maintain plenty of positive interactions and express genuine pride in their effort and growth. Every child has a different temperament; some may need a gentler nudge, while others thrive with more independence. The key is to tailor these principles to the unique needs of your individual family.

Finding the Right Balance: How to Teach Kids Problem Solving Skills

As parents, our goal is to support our kids while also giving them room to learn and grow. This requires moving away from “fixing” and toward guiding. For example, when your child is frustrated with a homework task, instead of providing the answer, ask: “What do you think the first step could be?” or “Where in your textbook might we find a clue?”

This reinforces the idea that they possess the skills to resolve their issues. It fosters a sense of pride when they eventually find a solution, which builds authentic self-esteem.

Your Child’s “Problem-Solving Toolkit”

Striking this balance isn’t always easy. To help your child feel prepared, you can work together to build a “Problem-Solving Toolkit.” These are internal strategies they can use when you aren’t there to catch them:

• Sizing the Problem: Is this a “tiny” problem I can fix, or a “big” problem where I need an adult?
• The “Chunking” Method: Breaking a giant task into three small, manageable steps.
• The “Five-Minute Rule”: Committing to trying a solution for five minutes before asking for help.
• The “Breath Reset”: Taking three deep breaths to calm the brain before trying a new approach.

Sometimes, the hardest part of balance is managing our own emotions. It is natural to feel anxious when watching our children struggle. In those moments, ask yourself: “Am I stepping in because it’s best for my child, or because I am feeling uncomfortable watching them work through this?” By using this toolkit, you are moving away from ‘fixing’ and instead focusing on how to teach kids problem solving skills that foster critical thinking and independence. Being honest about our own feelings helps us make more balanced, professional parenting decisions.

Embracing Mistakes as Stepping Stones

Mistakes are not roadblocks; they are the literal “data” children need to succeed. When we help our kids see errors as learning opportunities, we transform frustration into curiosity.

Normalize the “Oops”

Creating a “mistake-friendly” home environment makes a world of difference. You can model this by:

• Sharing Your Own Blunders: “I realized I missed a turn because I wasn’t paying attention to the GPS. I learned I need to put my phone where I can see it better. What do you think you could try differently with your project next time?”
• Family Reflections: Designate a time during dinner to share a “favorite mistake” of the day and what it taught you.
• Praising the Pivot: Instead of just praising a “job well done,” praise the moment they realized a mistake and changed course. “I noticed how you caught that error in your math and started over. That kind of persistence is what makes your brain stronger!”

How we react to their mistakes shapes their lifelong attitude toward challenges. If we respond with curiosity instead of disappointment, we model the very resilience we want them to adopt.

Conclusion: Raising Mentally Strong Kids

Teaching responsibility in problem-solving is a gradual process that requires patience and practice. Through the lessons from Raising Mentally Strong Kids, we learn the importance of allowing our children to face challenges head-on, supporting them as they learn to balance on their own. see that our role is not to pave the road for our children, but to prepare our children for the road.

By fostering mental toughness, utilizing “tough love” when appropriate, and embracing mistakes as essential lessons, we give our children the tools they need to thrive. Remember that every child develops at their own pace. Some may grasp these skills quickly, while others need more time and steady guidance.

Ultimately, knowing how to teach kids problem solving skills is about more than finding answers; it is about building the foundation for a critical thinking and a resilient, fulfilling life. It is a journey of “letting go” of the bike seat, one inch at a time, until they are pedaling confidently toward their own future.

As we guide them through this process, we aren’t just preparing them for success in school or their future careers – we are helping them find their own path to success. Remember to cheer them on as they ride though life, confident in their ability to overcome any obstacle.